One Big Mom

For some time now, I’ve had some thoughts scratching around in the back of my mind about what it means to be a nonbio lesbian mom once the kid begins to grow up.  The general consensus out there, such as it is, seems to be that it matters less and less who is the bio mom and who is not.  Which is a pretty big change, really, since it matters very much during the pregnancy and first year of parenthood, when the bio mom is very busy doing things like gestating and laboring and nursing and the nonbio mom . . . isn’t.

And while I have never been asked whether I am (or am not) the “real” mom, it remains the case that the bio mom is generally seen as The Mother (capital archetype) during the pregnancy and first year.  The nonbio mom is generally seen as, well, um, something else.

So, I think that I should feel good about the idea that it might just become less and less relevant who is who.  And yet, I don’t.

Here’s the thing.  When we look at straight parents, few people would suggest that it doesn’t matter who is the dad and who is the mom, since they’re both parents, after all.  Even when those very same dads and moms are pushing the gender envelopes in how they define their roles, it still matters.  Because, even though they might be stay-at-home dads or high-powered-executive moms, they’re still dads and moms.  So why does it “not matter” in lesbian couples?

The bottom line is that I continue to feel a resistance to becoming subsumed into one big maternal entity.  I also feel like saying that it doesn’t matter who is bio and who is not erases the reality of the nonbio mom.  Yes, I’m a real mom and yes, I’m a nonbio mom.  It matters because it matters to me.  It matters because it is something different.  It is who I am in relation to Hannah.  That matters.